Blog:Rethinking marriages for a better future

Marriages are pathetic
The traditional marriages I have seen are very pathetic. Like it is said in the 2 states movie (I haven't read the novel), arranged marriages in our country need two more steps than a man and a woman liking each other (forget homosexual marriages, it is not even legal yet!). In addition "the bride's family should like the groom, and the groom's family should like the bride. The bride's family should like the groom's family, and the groom's family should like the bride's family". If you are planning for an arranged love marriage (where you love without parents' knowledge and ask for their "permission" later), you either got to be lucky enough or you got to pre-plan to love someone that matches the social, economical and religious status of your family. Some "generous" parents may consider compromising on the economical status, but a different religion or caste? Best of luck! I even personally know cases like where a girl's family didn't approve her wish to marry someone she loved despite the fact that the lover was of her same religion and caste and her own parents' marriage was love marriage. There was another similar case where bride and groom were of same religion and even same caste but the social status of the bride was not "good enough" for the groom's family because the bride's late grandfather was a barber. You can find innumerous cases like these if you ask virtually anyone in this country, just to say that these are not "isolated events" (if I may speak in the language of the politicians here)!

Well, you may ask if this is an issue with marriages per se or an issue with the mindset of people. The educational system has failed to liberate people since even well educated people are still living with centuries old discriminatory thoughts. Marriages used to be discriminatory and are continuing to be so. So far I have only talked about the issues with the process of just getting married. And I haven't even talked about a hell lot of other kinds of discrimination by the families towards the loved ones of their children based on skin color, weight, height, accent, what not!

A patriarchal institution
Even if this is still true in many countries, I believe marriages and thus families in general are horribly patriarchal in India. And it doesn't just start with marriage. Born as a girl? Your fundamental rights including education will automatically become not as important as that of your brother. You are still learning but failed in a subject or two? Don't bother studying again, you'll be forced to marry soon. Successfully completing your studies gives you no guarantee either! If you still managed to struggle and get a job (probably with wages less than your male colleagues with same qualification), you have to be at the mercy of your husband and their family (and even distant relatives who are specialized in finding faults and giving free but "invaluable" advices often overlooking your personal choices and privacy) to continue that. Many husbands still feel proud of not letting their wives go for work! The freedom to travel will also get limited, even if you know to drive, such that you have to ask your husband and their family's permission if you want to visit your own home. It usually goes on as an unquestioned norm that the women have to live in their husband's home taking care of husband and their family. Note that in many cases husband's family is complicit in domestic violence and even dowry deaths.

The silver lining
Despite being forced to marry someone whom you haven't even met before in your life, still find no issue in falling for it? Many people think it is safe to go for arranged marriage because it makes sure the family is on your side when you are in a need, financial or whatever. For some it may be the intimate emotional bond with their family or for the feeling of safety it provides. It can also mean that you just want a happy and a stable family life. Well, who am I to criticize your "choices"! Your life, your choice, make it wise.

What can we do?
As discussed throughout in this article, marriage alone is not the issue. Our centuries old mindset is. Don't simply wish away that such issues will become better over the time "without" any dedicated efforts. Not married yet? Then make an effort to discourage endogamy. Already married and have children or planning to have children? Then don't force your children regarding whom they should marry. Now, whether you are married or planning to marry, don't treat your spouse or your children as your "properties". Providing food and shelter won't automatically grant you the rights to treat them whatever way you like, even if it is in the name of love. Like someone said, love is another name for understanding. Treat people with respect and dignity.

What I think about marriages
I personally consider marriages as overrated. Marriages seem to me as a way to enforce the values of fidelity and monogamy. Virginity and chastity are highly overrated. Why the society is so afraid of people loving each other as they like? Marriages are a way to continue your legacy and to protect your properties. I'm also told that if I don't marry I'll have no one to take care of me when I'm senile (Well, I consider it is the duty of the governments to look after the senior citizens). Marriages are costly. Personally I'm against big fat weddings, there are better ways to spend money. As an introvert I hate being a clown face, being the center of attention, in a crowd as well. Marriages are costly not only just financially but also in terms of mental wellness if you are trying hard to "adjust".

To fellow crazy/fearless/unconventional/nonconformists out there
If you think marriages are outdated, you are not alone. If you think monogamy is outdated, you are not alone. Living together, forever or only whenever you like, with whomever or how many you like, as long as there is consensus and respect for dignity, cheers, let's dream of a future where marriages aren't the only social norm to love and live together.

Additional notes

 * I acknowledge that many of the references cited are about a decade old. Even if there is a chance that things might have improved, I'm not very optimistic about the scale of the improvement.
 * This article may get updated in the future and if you find any issues in the article such as politically incorrect/insensitive statements, please let me know. I'll correct if I find it reasonable.